Something we're not
<<2003-02-23 - 4:19 p.m.>> I was quiet at Rob's last night. I didn't really want to say why because I didn't KNOW why at the time until after he'd fallen asleep... and I laid there in the dark listening to him breathe, staring at the wall and feeling the somewhat comforting weight of his leg hooked around mine. There was traffic sounds outside; I went over to the window and stared out for a while, careful not to wake him. You could see the blocks of flats and the lights from the town and there was a sort of shimmer on the road from the traffic lights which changed from green to orange to red... and I just thought to myself... I need a change. The fact is, now that we don't see Sy and Laura anymore, we never do anything. Our entire relationship is acted out within one house, or via the computer or phone. We don't go anywhere, plan anything, he's always knackered from work, and I work for half the weekend so it's always me who has to make the effort and do the 90 minute journey to see him. I'm not blaming him, I'm not because I can't expect him to be running around West Yorkshire to see me when he's at work until 5pm every day but I just don't think it's good for us to go on this way... the problem is that there really isn't much to do in this country anyway. God I really, really wish him and Sy would make up, not just for my sake but for the sake of our relationship... because they provide different conversation and somewhere else to go, some sort of social situation. And I don't want to be continuously coming back from Uni to see him if all we'll be doing (I don't mean I don't enjoy this but not as the sole contigent of our relationship!) is sitting around in his house. I'm the girl who wants to go abroad, travel, see new places on a day-to-day basis. I don't know what he wants. That's one advantage that his thing, whatever it was, with Sarah has over me... she provided a change of scenery and somewhere to go. This isn't one of my temporary depressive spells. This is a big problem and it's been at the back of my mind for a couple of months now. I just wish I could say all this to his face and that if I did it would accomplish something. Maybe I'm trying to turn us into something that we're not. << - >> |