Wake me up inside, save me from the nothing I've become
<<2003-02-27 - 10:13 a.m.>>

It's the sort of sadness that completely takes over and becomes physical and feels like a sick, dead weight in your bones; I feel like there's a fog in my head that won't lift and there's chills running down my spine.

You know what the really, really sad thing is? I don't know the cause.

My dad has admitted his mystery illness is job stress but he won't get off his ass and change his life to make it better, he plods along doing the same thing and slowly loses brain cells and becomes more and more despondent. And my psychotic mother can't cope with anything anymore and is sinking back into not eating and depression and neurosis. It's awful. It's back like it was when my dad had no job and my mum was crying all the time. It makes me sad to see them like this but it also makes me want to go away and leave them to it, to either pull together and get through it or rip each other to pieces. Well, rip each other apart IF my dad wasn't so passive and took everything she gave and put up with her stupid, selfish bitch moods.

I'm not happy anymore... nothing makes me happy. I hate this place so much... this whole country is like a prison, a godawful, grey, damp and dying piece of land full of people with nothing in front of them but misery and heartache. It honestly makes me want to stop existing. I can't even be happy with what I've got because that feels like giving up. I don't appreciate the great people I have in my life because I feel that eventually I'll hurt them all or leave them behind and then I'll be nothing but memories, fond or no.

I went to see The Ring last night with Sarah and we were sitting in Wetherspoons just talking... and I wanted to just get up and walk out and go far, far away because I want MORE, and I know I'll get where I want to be. I have to otherwise I'll resent myself forever...

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