Here I am beside myself again
<<2003-04-25 - 9:43 p.m.>>

But I can't do that. I have responsibilities, things I have to do, things I have to stick to. God. I feel so low right now. It's depressing being around people with no ambition (referring to the two girls I spent the day with at work). And yet it's not depressing. Both of them had long-term boyfriends they really loved. Is it possible to have both... ambition and a relationship? Cause I don't want this between me and Rob to die. I can't see us every being anything to each other apart from... everything. Like, if we met again ten years in the future after some unlikely event split us up, I reckon we'd pick up right where we left off, regardless of our situation. I feel that strongly for him.

I don't even know why. I couldn't write a list of reasons. All the soulmate crap... I dunno, maybe there's some truth to it. I think it's about essence, for me, the essence of a person. Not really about what the relationship gives me. I mean obviously, I like the affection. But I think it's the mutual support we give each other. He's like my rock, which sounds cheesy, lol, but... at the same time I feel like he needs me. Why, I'll never know. I don't understand what it is about me that anyone would feel they need. I'm pretty selfish, and I can be too self-depracating. I sometimes lie. I've hurt him so many times. Why haven't I suffered more for that? Why doesn't he blame me?

It's a little scary, this thing we have. It's strong and powerful and pretty much all I think about. But I wouldn't swap it for anything in the world.

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